Saturday, January 10, 2015

I will not go ...

The first thing that happened was that the power went out.

There I was, on my beloved yoga mat, which I had run to as soon as bebek fell asleep (instantly dropping laundry behind me like a child leaving crumbs in the woods) sweating through my first Vinyassa since being pregnant and giving birth so, like, over a year and the lights went out. Then came that beautiful, peaceful silence that always accompanies a power outage.

Meh, I thought, it won't be long and I continued my practice knowing how precious these practice times are for me. All was done and well, bebek woke up, we ate, we spit up, we played, we peed, repeat.

It is this repeat part, the last part in particular, that alerted me that a teaching was near. Creator was to remind me of something.

So the next thing that happened was bebek deciding to choose this exact power outage moment to embark on a peeing marathon, going through every single beautiful cotton diaper we own, in about 4 hours.  That is 22 diapers. Read that again. 22.

So I did the modern thing and posted something witty on "the social media site" about my situation and faithfully checked for likes and fanciful comments (which I got from my darling friends). Yes, I do that too. I try to catch myself, but it has become a reflex, I am also addicted, just like you.

It was getting cold. And dark. It had completely escaped me in my one season home that it was getting dark outside and that the temperature was a bone chilling -20 and dropping (they were forecasting -38). Until it got cold ...  that brought me back...

I felt more of my humanity with every drop in degree.

Down to my last diaper, a little chilly and wondering what to do, the computer rings (you all know this as a "phone" but I've decided to call it "the computer" because really, actual phone time is so minimal and the rest is just computer stuff ... but that is for another post) and it is none other than the gorgeous, 9 month pregnant momma darling Stephanie, calling to check on us to see how we were doing and to invite us over, rescuing us from impending frigid darkness. I was so touched by that call. The simple, divine humanity, the reaching out from friend to friend. Her voice. Making sure we were okay, checking on us, opening her home to us when she is just a days away from bringing a new magical consciousness into this world. It was so beautiful. It is the best part of us. I thanked her umpteen times and promised to make my way over if the power did not come on in the next half of an hour.

But it did, and I have to say I felt a flash of loneliness because I was looking forward to being all together.

I could still have gone.

But I didn't. Because we don't. These days.

When the power came back on, I wrapped bebek in a bundle as tightly and warmly as I could and the first thing I did was put on thick, warm, woolly socks. I gathered and lit all the beeswax candles I had made in late Fall. I made a list of all the things we would need to cover our human needs in case it happens again.
I boiled water for some hot and steamy tea. I put on a sweater that Axel gave me this year with a beautiful card in which he asked me to imagine him hugging me warmly every time I put it on. So I did.

How I relished that first sip of sweet, steamy red tea...

And I thought about something. At every moment instead of being upset at how long it was taking (it was about 4 hours in the end), I chose to be in gratitude for those people out there working in -20 degree weather to fix the power lines. I reminded myself that it was a blessing to have people that did these things for us. They are invisible to us and we take them for granted. In these days of entitlement and "convenience" it is so easy (and so damaging to our spirit and humanity) to go the other way. The way of anger, entitlement, blame. I had even started down that path before reminding myself of the truth. That these things are not owed to me and I am so grateful that we have these services...

How beautiful is it to have loved ones around you ...

I don't even know how to end this. How to wrap it all up neatly into a bundle ...

I just know that I am grateful. I am connected. I am focused. I am human. I will stay human within this world that wants to take me away from my humanity day by day with chaos and distraction.

I will not go.


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