Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Healing the generations ...

A story  ...

Her little daughter stumbled and wobbled when she was overly tired or hungry. She was wobbly and clingy and kept falling against her mother's legs. "Stop it!" her mother would yell after a while. "Stand up on your own two feet!" would usually follow. 

Her mother was angry. Her daughter continued to wobble and stumble and she could not handle it. Whenever she saw her daughter like that, she realized that she became so wrapped up in such anger, that it needed looking at. And one day, she introspected deeply. 

She realized, that her daughter was free. She was free and safe. When she was tired or hungry, she stumbled and wobbled because she felt free and safe to do so. She was able to follow her natural impulse without the need to edit herself. Her mother felt safe enough to her, that she knew she would be caught and held. 

Her mother had never had that. Her world as a child was not safe, not free. She had had to edit herself countless times and harm would come to her regardless. It was in this moment of introspection that she realized she became angry because she was afraid for her daughter. She was afraid when she saw her daughter so free and clingy and trusting because her world had not been safe as a child and the pattern of fear and lack of trust were still woven deeply within her body. Her daughter expected to be caught and hugged and held and loved and allowed herself to be vulnerable, because she felt safe and because she was safe. 

This was a revelation for her mother and she sat with it for a long time, letting it sink in deeply. As these things go, it didn't stop her mother's anger completely, it is a process after all, but it sits in a whole new light for her and every day she reminds herself.

This morning, mother and daughter were preparing to leave the house and her daughter was tired. They were at the door, dressing, and she stumbled and almost fell over while her mother was putting her boots on. "Sorry mama", said her daughter.

Sorry mama.

Sorry mama.

It stunned her mother deeply and as the words sunk in, it made her heart ache profoundly. Her little girl's freedom was gone and she had done something wrong by being herself. It had happened. Through all the repetitions, her daughter had internalized her mothers wound, as a fault of hers. 

Her mother then, spoke her truth.

No my dear, said her mother, you have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing at all. It is me who is sorry. Mama will hold you and catch you and help you whenever you need her. I'm sorry, her mother said. All those times I was angry with you for stumbling and falling, it wasn't you, sweet baby, it was mama. Mama was wrong and mama is here to help and hold you when you need her to and mama will remind you and herself of this always. 

"Okay mama".

Her mother looked at her little miracle, this miracle that is life, that her body had made, this generous and beautiful soul connected but separate from herself and felt a great sorrow for what she had done. It dawned on her yet again that things are reflected all the time. She hugged her daughter really hard, repeated again that she had nothing to be sorry about and prayed to all that is for continued insight and light for all the dark spaces she inherited so that she could continue to be aware and heal, one situation at a time, healing the generations. 

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Well ...

Did I ever tell you the story of when we went to Del Mar and were hiking down a trail at Torrey Pines that lead to the ocean with a little bebek and a stroller and I listened to "reviews" (many!) that said the trail was stroller friendly (I never listen to anything I don't know why I started with this one) and it was a crazy (not stroller friendly... not!) hike down for an hour and there were cliffs and tons of bumps and really steep narrow steps and I mentioned a bebek and stroller right and then the FUN part going BACK UP and the sun came out (I had planned our hike during a cloudy day because the heat and I have a special relationship) and I was red and sweating and barefoot and then stubbed my big toe on a big ass rock and it took off a huge chunk of my toe and I was bleeding in the frikkin' desert (it seemed like a desert!) and I Macgyvered a bleeding toe wrap with a pocket knife and this amazing towel my mother in law got us and I happened to bring and my husband wound up CARRYING A STROLLER AND A TIRED BABY ALL THE WAY BACK UP while I hobbled behind them sweating and marvelling at his strength and then we got back up and went to the lodge and they wouldn't give me any alcohol (the rubbing kind) because they were NOT ALLOWED and I asked them well what if I were bleeding everywhere and they said there would be nothing they could do and I just marvelled at where we have come as humans and then hobbled back out to tell my husband and then he while still looking after bebek FOUND A WILD WHITE SAGE BUSH ( he's like "hey, isn't this a white sage plant" ??!!!!?!!) and I took some leaves and wraped them in my towelaid and my toe healed instantly? It didn't heal instantly but in only a few days. Did I ever tell you that story? No? It was pretty wild. I'm not really used to relying on folks (childhood traumas)  but the Hubs that day.... He was KING. He is KING.

Did I also tell you it was gorgeous and extraordinary and there were wildflowers everywhere and the ocean was breathtaking and the air was life and we had a picnic on the rocks on the ocean and that it feels so good to rely on someone and have them come through beyond words and that the hobble back up watching my husband carry our tired little girl and stroller was one of the most beautiful moments in my life? 

Did I also tell you that?



Sunday, February 7, 2016

The healing will begin ...

We went outside and sang to the trees in our space this morning. They told me the last time we sang to them, a few days ago, how long it had been since they had heard a human voice singing to them and how much they have missed it so we will do it often. It was such an incredible message to receive from them it took me aback and filled me with joy. I have only recently allowed communication from the plant world to come in in this way and it is the most incredible thing ever.

We sang to the pine trees ... to our pear tree who is sick and who we will nurture back to health with all our love and care ... to our apple tree ... We gave big hugs to them and felt their loving energy envelop us. I also felt the loneliness there. This land we are on was made for magic. For children and friends and family and medicine and food and love. We have only recently moved to this place and the land needs much healing. It holds tremendous power but was neglected in a very subtle way for a long time ...

Now, through our love and dedication, we will hold and connect and work and heal everything in this beautiful space that we are so fortunate to have been guided to and provided with.

Now, the healing will begin.