A story ...
Her mother was angry. Her daughter continued to wobble and stumble and she could not handle it. Whenever she saw her daughter like that, she realized that she became so wrapped up in such anger, that it needed looking at. And one day, she introspected deeply.
She realized, that her daughter was free. She was free and safe. When she was tired or hungry, she stumbled and wobbled because she felt free and safe to do so. She was able to follow her natural impulse without the need to edit herself. Her mother felt safe enough to her, that she knew she would be caught and held.
Her mother had never had that. Her world as a child was not safe, not free. She had had to edit herself countless times and harm would come to her regardless. It was in this moment of introspection that she realized she became angry because she was afraid for her daughter. She was afraid when she saw her daughter so free and clingy and trusting because her world had not been safe as a child and the pattern of fear and lack of trust were still woven deeply within her body. Her daughter expected to be caught and hugged and held and loved and allowed herself to be vulnerable, because she felt safe and because she was safe.
This was a revelation for her mother and she sat with it for a long time, letting it sink in deeply. As these things go, it didn't stop her mother's anger completely, it is a process after all, but it sits in a whole new light for her and every day she reminds herself.
This morning, mother and daughter were preparing to leave the house and her daughter was tired. They were at the door, dressing, and she stumbled and almost fell over while her mother was putting her boots on. "Sorry mama", said her daughter.
It stunned her mother deeply and as the words sunk in, it made her heart ache profoundly. Her little girl's freedom was gone and she had done something wrong by being herself. It had happened. Through all the repetitions, her daughter had internalized her mothers wound, as a fault of hers.
Her mother then, spoke her truth.
No my dear, said her mother, you have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing at all. It is me who is sorry. Mama will hold you and catch you and help you whenever you need her. I'm sorry, her mother said. All those times I was angry with you for stumbling and falling, it wasn't you, sweet baby, it was mama. Mama was wrong and mama is here to help and hold you when you need her to and mama will remind you and herself of this always.
Her mother looked at her little miracle, this miracle that is life, that her body had made, this generous and beautiful soul connected but separate from herself and felt a great sorrow for what she had done. It dawned on her yet again that things are reflected all the time. She hugged her daughter really hard, repeated again that she had nothing to be sorry about and prayed to all that is for continued insight and light for all the dark spaces she inherited so that she could continue to be aware and heal, one situation at a time, healing the generations.